Depressing thoughts and moments

Ughhh I am feeling so depressed lately. I don't know what it is. I am in some kind of funk these days. I just need something amazing to happen!! I know I need to make it happen, but I just don't know how to do that. I feel like I am all alone in a crowd :( I hate feeling sorry for myself that makes me even more depressed!!

I got in a FB fight with Noel and pretty sure I won't be talking to her for a really long time! She just makes me sooo mad!! The things she is doing with her life, or not doing. Really this should not be my problem, but somehow I always feel like it is!! Ughhh caring about people is really exhausting sometimes!!

I am also feeling like my one true friend I have in this world is liking me less & less. I don't know whats going on. I guess I just need to take a break from everything! How can I though when escaping is not an option!

I need to move out and away but I can't. Living with my parents is pretty depressing too. At first it wasn't too bad but I think I am about over it!! I may be having a midlife crisis!! Is  31 too young to say its midlife!? Sometimes I wish it would just be over. Now I'm not suicidal or emo or anything like that, just sometimes it doesn't seem like there is a point to this life.

Until next time...

Lasting Love Affair

As I walked home one freezing day, I stumbled on a wallet someone had lost in the street. I picked it up and looked inside to find some identification so I could call the owner. But the wallet contained only three dollars and a crumpled letter that looked as if it had been in there for years.

The envelope was worn and the only thing that was legible on it was the return address.

I started to open the letter, hoping to find some clue. Then I saw the dateline–1924. The letter had been written almost sixty years ago. It was written in a beautiful feminine handwriting on powder blue stationery with a little flower in the left-hand corner. It was a “Dear John” letter that told the recipient, whose name appeared to be Michael, that the writer could not see him any more because her mother forbade it. Even so, she wrote that she would always love him.

It was signed, Hannah.

It was a beautiful letter, but there was no way except for the name Michael, that the owner could be identified. Maybe if I called information, the operator could find a phone listing for the address on the envelope.

Operator,” I began, “this is an unusual request. I’m trying to find the owner of a wallet that I found. Is there anyway you can tell me if there is a phone number for an address that was on an envelope in the wallet?” She suggested I speak with her supervisor, who hesitated for a moment then said, “Well, there is a phone listing at that address, but I can’t give you the number.” She said, as a courtesy, she would call that number, explain my story and would ask them if they wanted her to connect me. I waited a few minutes and then she was back on the line. “I have a party who will speak with you.”

I asked the woman on the other end of the line if she knew anyone by the name of Hannah. She gasped, “Oh! We bought this house from a family who had a daughter named Hannah. But that was 30 years ago!”

“Would you know where that family could be located now?” I asked.

“I remember that Hannah had to place her mother in a nursing home some years ago,” the woman said. “Maybe if you got in touch with them they might be able to track down the daughter.”

She gave me the name of the nursing home and I called the number. They told me the old lady had passed away some years ago but they did have a phone number for where they thought the daughter might be living.

I thanked them and phoned. The woman who answered explained that Hannah herself was now living in a nursing home.

This whole thing was stupid, I thought to myself. Why was I making such a big deal over finding the owner of a wallet that had only three dollars and a letter that was almost 60 years old?

Nevertheless, I called the nursing home in which Hannah was supposed to be living and the man who answered the phone told me, “Yes, Hannah is staying with us. ”

Even though it was already 10 p.m., I asked if I could come by to see her. “Well,” he said hesitatingly, “if you want to take a chance, she might be in the day room watching television.”

I thanked him and drove over to the nursing home. The night nurse and a guard greeted me at the door. We went up to the third floor of the large building. In the day room, the nurse introduced me to Hannah.

She was a sweet, silver-haired old timer with a warm smile and a twinkle in her eye.

I told her about finding the wallet and showed her the letter. The second she saw the powder blue envelope with that little flower on the left, she took a deep breath and said, “Young man, this letter was the last contact I ever had with Michael.”

She looked away for a moment deep in thought and then said Softly, “I loved him very much. But I was only 16 at the time and my mother felt I was too young. Oh, he was so handsome. He looked like Sean Connery, the actor.”

“Yes,” she continued. “Michael Goldstein was a wonderful person. If you should find him, tell him I think of him often. And,” she hesitated for a moment, almost biting her lip, “tell him I still love him. You know,” she said smiling as tears began to well up in her eyes, “I never did marry. I guess no one ever matched up to Michael…”

I thanked Hannah and said goodbye. I took the elevator to the first floor and as I stood by the door, the guard there asked, “Was the old lady able to help you?”

I told him she had given me a lead. “At least I have a last name. But I think I’ll let it go for a while. I spent almost the whole day trying to find the owner of this wallet.”

I had taken out the wallet, which was a simple brown leather case with red lacing on the side. When the guard saw it, he said, “Hey, wait a minute! That’s Mr. Goldstein’s wallet. I’d know it anywhere with that bright red lacing. He’s always losing that wallet. I must have found it in the halls at least three times.”

“Who’s Mr. Goldstein?” I asked as my hand began to shake.

“He’s one of the old timers on the 8th floor. That’s Mike Goldstein’s wallet for sure. He must have lost it on one of his walks.”

I thanked the guard and quickly ran back to the nurse’s office. I told her what the guard had said. We went back to the elevator and got on. I prayed that Mr. Goldstein would be up.

On the eighth floor, the floor nurse said, “I think he’s still in the day room. He likes to read at night. He’s a darling old man.”

We went to the only room that had any lights on and there was a man reading a book. The nurse went over to him and asked if he had lost his wallet. Mr. Goldstein looked up with surprise, put his hand in his back pocket and said, “Oh, it is missing!”

“This kind gentleman found a wallet and we wondered if it could be yours?”

I handed Mr. Goldstein the wallet and the second he saw it, he smiled with relief and said, “Yes, that’s it! It must have dropped out of my pocket this afternoon. I want to give you a reward.”

“No, thank you,” I said. “But I have to tell you something. I read the letter in the hope of finding out who owned the wallet.”

The smile on his face suddenly disappeared. “You read that letter?”

“Not only did I read it, I think I know where Hannah is.”

He suddenly grew pale. “Hannah? You know where she is? How is she? Is she still as pretty as she was? Please, please tell me,” he begged.

“She’s fine…just as pretty as when you knew her.” I said softly.

The old man smiled with anticipation and asked, “Could you tell me where she is? I want to call her tomorrow.” He grabbed my hand and said, “You know something, mister, I was so in love with that girl that when that letter came, my life literally ended. I never married. I guess I’ve always loved her. ”

“Mr. Goldstein,” I said, “Come with me.”

We took the elevator down to the third floor. The hallways were darkened and only one or two little night-lights lit our way to the day room where Hannah was sitting alone watching the television. The nurse walked over to her.

“Hannah,” she said softly, pointing to Michael, who was waiting with me in
the doorway. “Do you know this man?”

She adjusted her glasses, looked for a moment, but didn’t say a word. Michael said softly, almost in a whisper, “Hannah, it’s Michael. Do you remember me?”

She gasped, “Michael! I don’t believe it! Michael! It’s you! My Michael!” He walked slowly towards her and they embraced. The nurse and I left with tears streaming down our faces.

“See,” I said. “See how the Good Lord works! If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

About three weeks later I got a call at my office from the nursing home. “Can you break away on Sunday to attend a wedding? Michael and Hannah are going to tie the knot!”

It was a beautiful wedding with all the people at the nursing home dressed up to join in the celebration. Hannah wore a light beige dress and looked beautiful. Michael wore a dark blue suit and stood tall. They made me their best man.

The hospital gave them their own room and if you ever wanted to see a 76-year-old bride and a 79-year-old groom acting like two teenagers, you had to see this couple.

A perfect ending for a love affair that had lasted nearly 60 years.

- Anonymous

Unicorns & Glitter

People living in a fantasy land amuse me. Is it just because they don't want to face the truth? The truth is rarely better than fiction. Don't get me wrong, I have had a lot, and I mean a lot, of relationships that I was thinking "is this real life??!!!" LOL I have a fantasy relationship right now actually! Although I am not the delusional one for once. haha But its ok ...for now. (I have no other prospects so its fine!)

Now OTHER people who know they live in a fantasy land and just do not want to admit it, they are the amusing ones!! It's kind of sad and definitely amusing. 

I thought I'd have more to say about that. Guess not! lol 

Missouri

Went and saw what Springfield, Missouri was all about this month. It's weird there, there are NO MOUNTAINS!!! How does anyone know where they are going!!?? Not to mention the humidity was horrible and it was only 60 degrees! I can only imagine how it is in the middle of summer. I hate to sweat so I don't know if I could handle living there. I would never leave my house! haha

People there are nice and talk like country folk, its great!!

Got a little too personal with a couple country boys. :/ Don't know how I feel about that.Now I have a MAYBE!! ughhh so stressful!!

 Met some new potential friends. Best of all Dan and I actually got along!! yay!! haha. I was a little worried we would just be fighting the whole time and Mona would have to kill us both!

People there are really easy to talk to and have fun with. That might beat out the humidity and I could possibly live there!!

This is Tessa & Me @ Bugsy's. She's a good time. She pretty much bought our drinks all night!!

Ingrid, Monique, Tessa, and Me. Ingrid is an awesome chick. She's about 5 feet tall with 6 feet of attitude. She is hilarious!!

Tessa, Me, and Mo.

Had a great time at Bugsy's with these amazing people!!

Dan, Ryan, and Cody.


Bugsy's just one of the many bars in downtown Springfield, so I'm told. It's the only one I saw and the only one we went to. It was too fun there. Lots of creepers at this bar, and they didn't even try to hide it. haha

I would maybe move there, and definitely go visit. Who knows what will happen. All I do know is that if this maybe turns into more, I am out of here!! Oh boy....

Babies in your 30's

So I have babies on my mind again!! It's kind of a phase I go through every now and again. I sometimes wish I would have had my babies already and be done, then other times I am so grateful I don't have kids right now. Where would I be? What would I be doing? Would I have ever went back to school and got the degrees that I have? (That I am not doing anything with anyways, so that really wouldn't be a change)

I think 35 is a great age to start having children, then again I think "is that too old?" Ughh who really knows. I mean in Utah I am an old maid considering most people start their families at the ripe of 18-20!! That's just craziness if you ask me!! You are still a child yourself. You have no goals and usually no job! Then in Hollywood the perfect age to start having children is 40!!

It's really only considered strange to not have at least 4 children by age 25 in Utah. We're a different kind of state. The MORMON state. We prefer to be called Later Day Saints haha. That a whole other subject!!

I don't exactly have any prospects that I would consider having children with right now. Every guy I have been with would NOT be ideal father material. I am too closed off to actually date someone. I really don't know what is wrong with me. I'm just a Douche Bag magnet!! I would rather be alone than be with anyone right now. That may change but I don't really see if happening. Good thing there is such things as SPERM BANKS!! For us single ladies that don't want to stress and annoyance of the dreaded BD (Baby Daddy!!)

Just another day!!

So today I turned 31 years old. I don't feel any different. I have mixed feelings about getting older. I mean I don't look any older than I did when I was 25, which is a good thing. I don't want to get wrinkles or have my body start to break down or anything like that, but getting old isn't so bad.

The difference between your 20's and your 30's is that when you're 20, you worry entirely too much about what people think about you. In your 30's you don't care... as much!!

The only thing I do wish is that I would have decided what I wanted to do with my life in my 20's so I could already be doing it in my 30's. Better late than never I suppose.

Losing friends for the wrong reasons

So I think I just lost my best friend of 15 years over something really dumb. It was over a post I had written on good ol' Facebook. I had noticed an add that said " $10,000 Scholarship for BLACK MOM's" This was the most ridiculous scholarship ad I had ever seen. You only qualified for the scholarship if you were a black single mother. I have a problem with this. So I posted on FB :

"I just saw an ad for a $10,000 scholarship for minortiy mom's WTF is that crap!! Why don't they make a scholarship for single people without kids!!??? (Go ahead & yell @ me now, I know you want to!!!)"

Apparently my best friend Monique took this as "Single mothers don't deserve to go to school because they are on welfare & aren't married!!" Talk about getting your words twisted around!!! I never said that single mothers didn't deserve a scholarship & they should give them to single people without children!!! I was simply stating that it is BS that unless you have children & are NOT married you don't get any help with going to school. Of course we can get grants & loans, anyone can, I was just saying why is it you must be a single mother to get any help. School is expensive and just because we SINGLE people only have ourselves to take care of doesn't mean we are all able to pay for school. The only way a SINGLE person can get a scholarship is if we get one in high school for good grades. Besides why is it only if you are a BLACK MINORITY you qualify?? How is that fair anyways!?? If I was a millionaire I wouldn't have a problem with this!!!!

So now back to the situation with losing my best friend over something incredibly DUMB....

People were commenting on the post agreeing with how it is not fair but Mona got all offending like I was talking about her personally. Saying mean things & then her BF got into with me saying " Well if your psychotic Mormon upbringing hadn't have failed so miserably & if the Mormon church didn't force those little sluts to keep their fuck trophies then the world wouldn't have so many single mothers!! (his words NOT mine)

First of all, what does being Mormon have to do with scholarships or single mothers??!!! The Mormon church does NOT encourage single mothers to keep their babies! They actually encourage them to give them up for adoption so they can be raised by TWO parents who can afford them!!! IGNORANCE IS NOT BLISS!!!!!

Today I deactivated my FB account because I was getting tired of seeing my friend saying mean things directed towards ME!! The next thing I know I am getting a text saying:
" So you deleted me on FB?? Remeber that!!! We're done!! No longer friends!!! Have fun with your fake ass friends, and you better hold on to Noel as tight as you can she is your only true friend you have left!!!!

MEAN!!!!
WTF was that all about!!??? Honestly I have no idea what the hell happened. I was giving her space to be mad because I know how she gets when she is mad. There is no talking to her!! I am NOT losing my best friend over something SO STUPID!!! We are not in High School anymore! We are 30 years old for hell sakes!!!

So I am NOT moving to Missouri as planned. I can't move somewhere where people HATE me for NO REASON AT ALL!!!! Ugh.. Life is just ridiculous sometimes. Instead of jumping to some dumb conclusion, why don't people just talk things out!!???

You know what they say ASSUMING makes an ASS out of YOU & ME!!!